000027470016I’ve written this post over and over in my head 1,000 times. The post in which I step back into this long-forgotten space of mine and find words and courage to write once again. The truth is, it’s been a fiercely hard year for me.  As much as it’s true that as a busy mama I simply haven’t had the time to keep up with blogging, it’s far more accurate to say that somewhere in the chaos of moving, remodeling projects, bringing sweet bebe number 3 into the world, the walloping sleep deprivation to follow, mixed with our general unsettledness, I completely lost myself.

I became so greatly overwhelmed that I was living day after day in survival mode, without so much as a spark of creativity.  For far too long, I had been slapping on a happy face and agreeing to more commitments than necessary, all the while secretly feeling completely hollowed out and ashamed.  I was so busy keeping up appearances & caring for everyone else, that I had completely written myself off and was in complete denial over how much I was hurting. The nasty things I’d tell myself are words I would never ascribe to another human being. In the future, I hope to be more transparent about my struggles with depression & anxiety, because I’ve learned that doing so helps to shine light in dark places. If even just my own.

This online world can be so strange. All too often, I’ve found myself scrolling mindlessly through my Instagram feed for example, looking at everyone else’s most lovely, thoughtful, high points, all the while comparing them to my lows. I’ve honestly believed at times that I had nothing worthwhile to contribute to the world.  I’ve felt so inadequate.  Like I had already tried my hands at blogging and failed. Like I was not compatible with society. Like I needed to have a perfectly decorated and tidy home in order to share glimpses into our family life; or that I needed to master handmade crafts of all kinds and generate dazzling daily content before I could maintain a legitimate blog.  Sheesh!!

How grateful I am to have finally come to grips with how this is all so untrue! Even just typing out those crazy-girl standards I’d been holding over my head is so freeing. I’ve been longing for so long to get back ‘at it, because I find so much joy in sharing photos and stories, but truly did not know where to start. Perfectionism and comparison are so crippling to me. But with time, kind friends, fresh air, and good reads helping to heal all things, I am learning that I simply need to dust off my keyboard and start, however imperfectly it may be. Life is so messy, filled with ups, downs, twists & turns, and I want to just show up for it and be able to be more present in each moment of the journey.

Cheers to new beginnings, to being our authentic selves, overcoming perfectionism, and finding the beauty in the the everyday.

Speaking of letting go of perfect, I have given up on the idea of snapping perfectly posed photos of these squirrely kids. The real, monkies in motion are so much more sweet and vibrant. (:

Penny’s head band found here // Lace blanket here
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8 thoughts on “new beginnings

  1. Kelly

    I am happy you are blogging again! I have missed the dairy here and I never started following g because of perfection or some sort of standard but because of a sensed connection somehow. Also, I am in your state this week for my first visit here!! It’s lovely. Kelly

    Reply

  2. Jenna Lou

    Oh Jess how I want to send you a hug right now. I’m so glad you outed your feelings and struggles from this past year. I had no idea, but I want to send you all the encouragement. Behind every blogger, brand, mama, and rockstar winning lady are dark moments of insecurity. After Lexi my life was turned upside down in the most unwanted and unpleasant way, but slowly I found myself again and the anxiety and depression cleared. I’ve been there… In the deep dark place of doubt and self hate. Just know I have much love for you, and love the honest little moments WAY more than the Pinterest worthy anyway.

    Reply

  3. Jessica

    Oh Jenna you bless me so much!! Your encouragement means the world to me and I am so grateful for your thoughtfulness and friendship. Xoxo

    Reply

  4. Sherri

    Welcome back! I have followed your blog for several years and have missed your presence. I wish you the very best on your healing journey, and look forward to your posts. My husband and I have two busy boys and I understand completely about not waiting for the perfect photo – capturing children in action is most real…and beautiful. Take good care.

    Reply

  5. Jen@thecottagenest

    Such a lovely blog and home but an especially lovely family and outlook. Why do we talk to ourselves and expect of ourselves things we would never say or expect of others. Happy you found your way back to you.

    Reply

  6. Ashely

    So glad you are blogging again! You have always inspired me and you have much to add to the creative online community. Living the Swell Life was the first blog I remember clicking onto one post and reading probably every post you had ever written! Keep sharing!

    Reply

    1. Jessica Post author

      Oh Ashley, this blesses me so much! Thanks for your kindness and encouragement. Blogging has evolved and scaled back so much for me, I sometimes wonder if it’s worth stickin around for…

      Reply

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